It has been forever since I have journaled here.
I know my daughter would love if I came to this site more often.

K, I just put it as one of my tabs...so whenever I open explorer it will be there, that will remind me.

I really love coming and reading her journals and seeing her amazing art.
She really blows me away. Proud doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her. She is an amazing person and I admire her tremendously.

I suppose I should start journaling about my days, my life, my ups and downs; it would let her see a different side of me. She will see how much we are alike. How I feel lots of feelings all the time too. Maybe she will begin to understand some things she has had questions about but never asked. Maybe she will learn from some of my mistakes.

Journaling is always a healthy thing to do. It is like a gift that you give yourself, to nurture your soul.

WARNING!!! Random thoughts about things....
I believe that everything happens for a reason,
and
the third time is a charm
I am to hard on myself most of the time
My kids mean the world to me, and honestly it is only because of them that I am still alive...literally
I hurt when my kids hurt, it is hard to be the mom and not always know just how to fix it
I worry that I am not doing enough, not making enough, not motherly enough, not friendly enough, not strict enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not loving enough, not enough in general
I am harder on myself than anyone else ever was, is, or ever will be..probably put together
I put stress on myself over nothing almost all of the time
I worry just about as much as I breathe
I want better for my kids than I had
I know deep down that I am a very strong woman, I can do anything I set my mind too, I settled for way to many years because I didn't think I deserved any better and I didn't want to be alone, I am loving like I have never been hurt, trust is a hard thing for me to have for people because ALMOST EVERY person that has ever been in my life has broken my trust at one time or another.
First young love is a beautiful thing and I am grateful that that young love of high school sweethearts ended up resulting in the two most amazing, imaginative, creative, loving, smart, well-behaved, humorous, genuine, down to earth, easy to love children that I have. I look at them in amazment that I could have been so blessed with such wonderful gifts. They are definitely the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life.
I feel like I have to be so perfect for everyone all the time, but usually that is just the pressure that I put on myself...telling myself that I will let them down if I am not perfect.
If I step down at my job am I a failure or am I just doing what is best for me and my family
Is getting married for the third time absolutely insane...or does it just show that I am a sucker for love and that even tho I have been hurt in love and marriage twice before I still believe that true love exists and that this time I truly believe I have found it
Am I being me..or am I being the me they want me to be
I want to start meditating daily. It helps to center me and my moods. I believe in the Universe and karma and things that others find odd. I believe it is wise to be in the moment as much as possible, let the mind enjoy the moment it is in, quickly that moment will be gone and if you waste your time thinking and dwelling on the past or the future then you are not living in the now. I am trying to live in the now.
I need to always follow my gut, my gut is the Universe guiding me, it is the direct link from what I believe in spiritually to my reality.
I cry sometimes when I am alone. Sometimes really hard.
I have had many weak moments in my life that I am not proud of, but honestly, I wouldnt change any of them, because it is ALL the moments in my life that make me who I am today, weak or strong.
All I can do is learn from my weak times and make it better the next time.
Do I make the right choices? Do I do what is best for my family? Am I selfish in my decisions?
Is it really true that "If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy?"
Why do I have to be burdened with depression? Is it really a blessing? I feel deep feelings a lot more than other ppl I know. Why is it that depression is genetic...that means that my family, since the beginning of time has been passing down this horrible condition to each generation. It is a very sad thing to pass along. And why is it near impossible for people who dont have depression to understand that we can't just "snap out of it" Would you tell a diabetic to just snap out of being diabetic..of course you wouldn't...depression is the same way. Why does my depression interfere with my life sometimes?
Why do I procrastinate on things? Why do I put it off until the last possible moment and then stress myself out just to get things done?
Is it ok for a 36 year old woman to feel all giddy in love?
Why do I have soooo much debt?
What void am I trying to fill when I eat and eat and eat, or drink till I am drunk? What is it that I am not wanting to face, or what emptiness is there that I am trying to repair?
Why is it that I can have over a billion thoughts a day?

Well that is about all I can type tonight. I am going to really try to get better at coming on here.
Farewell...